Aaron and I have different philosophies when it comes to maintaining our respective Facebook friend lists. He keeps his trim, between 100 and 200 people; he cleans up his list every few months or so, eliminating people he doesn't interact with frequently. He also seems to be in a relatively constant state of annoyance with the whole idea of Facebook and grumbles about its very existence.
I am more of a friend hoarder: if I've had more than passing contact with you, or we were at one time friends, you're probably on my friends list. If we're related, you're there. If we went to school together, had a class together, or worked together (or if you worked with Aaron), you're there. If you're friends with one or both of my parents and have managed to figure out the Facebook, you're probably on my list. This isn't to say I have a lot of friends, or that I'm outgoing. I just don't see much harm in adding people that, for one reason or another, were part of my life at one time.
Some of my Facebook friends are people I met ONCE, at a party or through mutual friends. Others are people that I happened to sit next to in a lecture hall (Hi, Lindsay!) or met in a theory course, and I have grown to know them better in the intervening years, through Facebook, than I did while we were in the class together. And I think that's kind of awesome.
But having more Facebook friends means that there's more of Facebook to consume: more stories in your feed, more pithy quotes, more images, more links to interesting (or frightening) websites, etc. In an election year, that has the potential to ruin your entire image of a person. I find myself asking Oh my, how did I not know this about you? or Really? That's how you feel? Because I remember you being far less hateful when we were friends in sixth grade.
I've often heard that if you want to ruin a dinner party (or a friendship), bring up politics or religion. I always thought that admonition required a certain level of mistrust for the maturity level of the conversing parties, because COME ON, WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE. But an election-year Facebook newsfeed, overflowing with the ideas of the people I have chosen to associate with, makes me reconsider.
Recently, I unfriended someone after I couldn't stand his incessant, hateful, bigotry-laden political posts on Facebook. It wasn't that I couldn't handle seeing the views of someone I disagreed with--it was more that there was active disrespect, the hands on the hips stance of "This is how I feel, and I'm right, and you're stupid if you think otherwise." I grew tired of this person calling me (and unseen others like me) a moron for disagreeing, before I even had a chance to formulate a response. Did I believe I was a moron? No. But I also felt like he wasn't interested in a conversation with someone like me, so there was no point in remaining Facebook friends with him. He can keep having his screaming match with the world somewhere else--but not on my newsfeed.
I've become more mindful of my own political posts on Facebook. While I don't want to actively disrespect people who have chosen to include me among their "friends," I'm also quite passionate about a number of subjects and I'd really like to share my ideas and start a conversation. That's the key to it--I want a conversation. I can do without the one-sided, mean-spirited bullying, the name-calling, the moral and intellectual superiority complexes that come with voting a certain way or supporting a certain party or candidate. I want to talk about actual issues and ideas, not rehash talking points or shout at each other.
Facebook doesn't always foster that, though, because it feels safe and anonymous (even though your name is attached to it). The screen adds distance, but not necessarily perspective. People (and I'm talking about grown adults, many of whom have attended college or grad school and who know how to use their critical thinking skills) don't always think of the arguments they are making about themselves by posting, sharing, or commenting on something, because a series of mouse clicks or screen taps or keystrokes makes it so easy to megaphone your ideas, unbidden, into the world. Being able to click that you "Like" something is easy; being able to rationally explain why you like it takes work.
I'm not saying I want people to censor themselves, because it would be selfish and unrealistic for me to even suggest something like that. I'm not saying I want it to stop. I also acknowledge that by logging into Facebook, I bring it upon myself. That's okay.
I also figure that most of my friends (Facebook and otherwise) already have a pretty good idea of my political leanings, either from conversations we've had or articles I've shared or comments I've made. I guess I just don't always trust myself to be above the self-righteous sniping I see on every comments section of every article I read online. So, I hesitate before sharing. I don't share 90% of the things I'd like to, and part of me feels like I'm cheating myself out of a real conversation.
The ease of using Facebook (and Twitter, which I am not part of and probably won't join unless forced) as a personal soapbox has made the world a little smaller, but also a little uglier. We all have political opinions, as well as deeply held personal values, that might seem ridiculous or offensive to other people. It's the seeming anonymity of social networking that turns what used to be an inner monologue or a face-to-face conversation into a deluge of publicly shared information.
That's what makes Facebook entertaining and addictive, but also dangerous: we are able to carve out an online self, represented through words and images, with quite a bit of power over selecting these details. It can be done with care, but I can also be come an exercise in self-congratulatory aggrandizement. Our ideas are out there, instantly, and people we know (or don't know) can interact with them. This might lead to some feelings of self-importance: My ideas are out there. My ideas matter. My opinion matters. All the time. (And yes, I realize the irony of saying this via the personal blog I have maintained since January, writing about the things that matter to me, and which I post links for on Facebook. I'm holding a mirror up to myself with this one.)
What's my point? Keep posting, keep sharing, put your ideas out there--but also be willing to talk to each other, with respect and civility. Be open to the ideas of others. Know that your way isn't the only way, it's not necessarily the right way, and even if it is, things might not turn out that way.
i thought of our friendship immediately when i started reading this, and then i laughed when you linked to my blog. :)
ReplyDeletebut i totally agree with you. i think it's hard to be on facebook at a time like this, because it's not like people want to be very respectful or nice about what you post. if you don't agree with something i say, and you want to talk about it, that's fine, but i've had someone call me a murderer for something i posted. and i was just sharing an opinion, which didn't make me a murderer. i think it's that whole philosophy that people think they can say whatever they want from behind their computer screen. most of the things people say to each other online they'd never say if they were face to face, and that's just pathetic. thanks for writing this, because i really enjoyed it and agree!